Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
