Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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