seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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