Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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