Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
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