the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
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you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
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It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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