So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
