It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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