After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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