there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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