i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
