k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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