On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
