In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
