I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
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