My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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