This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize