Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
now i know why i became what i already was.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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