i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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