I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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