I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
How does one acquire holy water?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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