I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
