saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
