dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
