true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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