My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
