I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
