Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
