I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
