my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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