I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I believe in your delicious
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
