i think my tv is drunk
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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