Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
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Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
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Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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