Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
