so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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