I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
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I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
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Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
And then he peed in my hair
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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