There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
