If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
