my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
