he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
