That's intense
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
