is your mom at the bar?
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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