Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
