if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
