Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
