So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
