Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
