I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
