Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
