Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
