I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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