walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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