remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dignity is for republicans.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
