Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I can't put those talents on a resume
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
