in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
